Full of Life

AttributionNoncommercialShare Alike Some rights reserved by Roger Lynn
The seed that is to grow
must lose itself as seed;
And they that creep
may graduate through 
chrysalis to wings.

Wilt thou then, O mortal,
cling to husks which
falsely seem to you
the self?
~Wu Ming Fu, Twelfth Century

It’s not so much about being prepared for death as it is being full of life. I want to be so well practiced in crossing thresholds that dying is merely another step in the dance. i want to be so comfortable with stillness and silence that I can root in them. ~ Dawna Markova, “I Will Not Die an Unlived Life”

Admittedly, I can be a turd. I am not always Suzy Sunshine and I am definitely not the person who always looks on the positive side of things. I generally think of myself as a Refreshingly Honest Person, but sometimes I overshoot and I end up being an Oversharing Bummer of a Person.

I have come to find that all I need to turn my attitude around is a little health scare.


I don’t really want to go into what exactly is going on, as I am still waiting on tests and results and the wise words of my local shaman/doctorish person. I can say that I am a lot less scared and freaked out, and that things appear to not be pointing toward my early demise.

I do, however, want to go into what this health scare has said to me, quite insistently. As I was laying around, thinking about what I would do if the Worst Possible Thing were to happen, a small voice inside my head cried out optimistically, “Well, you could stop…” and then listed off a ton of things that I do with my time and my life that I just don’t want to do.

Things that made the List of Things I Could Stop:

– Worrying about what everybody else thinks all the time
– Worrying about money
– Spending time with people that don’t engage me, or that I’m not invested in
– Limiting my solitude
– Buying so much stuff
– Thinking “what if”
– Living my life in the “just in case” mode
– Living afraid all the time

All bullshit aside, I have walked away with this:  I don’t have to court illness to bring freedom into my life. I can do all of these things now, without Impending Doom hanging over my head, and that might just be the way to live a full and clean and healthy life, no matter how long that life ends up being.

I bow to you, scary life moment. You have been a wise teacher.

5 thoughts on “Full of Life

  1. A huge hug for the growth spurt. Sounds a bit like you may have decided that you can actually live, rather than just marking time. If there's anything someone who met you a few times long ago and has since been following your blog from afar can do, please let me know. I have been known to bake some pretty amazing care packages….

  2. *grabs your hands and dances 'round the room*Hurrah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!~laughing~Welcome back, my sister! 😀

  3. Jo: Thank you so much for the offer of baked goods! I am feeling pretty good now, so barring any horrible news in the next two weeks, I won't be needing a care package…but I will definitely let you know if I feel an urge toward a tasty treat 😉

  4. Such good lessons to learn, but important ones. I've certainly learned this one in the past two years and now when I'm confronted with stressful things I realize that I will figure them out or that they will work themselves out with time. The upside of any major illness that you or someone you love faces is the perspective it gives you and helps to clarify what you really want out of life. And helps when you're in an airport in Texas and everyone else is freaking out about getting to NY that night ;).How are things going? I've been away for the weekend, but I'm back at work now and back to keeping up with email and the like.

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